The Oracle

Its Guru Muru’s birthday today – I have my sacrificial Orchid and I am ready to feast with the sage of Bickenshall Mansions. Muru is a font of observational wisdom, if you consult him regarding your troubles he will enlighten you with ‘Darling it is life ....everywhere you go there is always one asshole!’

Might have guessed

It was a full moon last night no wonder I was restless and full of tricks all night long. The Pagans call the February moon the Snow Moon. February is the only calender month that can pass without a full moon. If I hadn't been up all night I would try and explain that mathematical fact. However the full moon nights are the best nights to pull earthly desires from the hands of fate. Once the moon begins to wane focus on pushing away what you don't want.

Eyes wide shut

Its official, I am an insomniac .....hideous extra hours of undiluted reality.

Hello carbo my old friend

God I can’t stop eating – the cold weather seems to have inspired another layer of fat I could do with out. People keep telling me I look nice but I think they feel sorry for me. Two men (one gay) told me my tits were getting bigger which is true. I actually bought a bra in Liberty sale that says its a Double D – its Elle Macpherson and they come up small but all the fucking same! I pointed out to them that actually my whole body has got bigger as a set. I can’t stand it I don’t want to look like some Carry On outtake. Its not that I eat that much really – I just eat medium amounts of the bad food groups that I love. Its a bore trying to diet, I just can’t say No – not to myself anyway. I want to go on a Valley of The Dolls sleep diet – you just get sedated until you are at your target weight - fabulous.

You used to bring me roses

At my age I find that there are so few ‘first times’ available to me. But excitingly I have a Visiting Order for an actual prison visit! Although I have been out with a few men that should have been in jail – I never went out with any one who actually was – not so much an issue of standards simply the lack of opportunity. I was thinking of becoming pen pals with Richard Ramirez (many is the time I have confused pity with love and excitment with danger) but then I read an article that said he had really foul breath which put me right off him. Anyway we are off on a mission to support our friend and I am thrilled to hear that we will be travelling with other visitors to the jail. I shall document the whole thing in the manner of Diane Arbus. I am predicting a high incidence of blond hair extensions, spray tans and inexpensive perfume. I shall wear my tartiest outfit in order to blend. Actually one time I got a photography job and I had to shoot the lifers wing at Wormwood Scrubs. I thought it might be a fun gig – loads of tough tattooed guy like in Con Air but actually it was full of pathetic little men whose real crime was bad luck and lack of opportunity. The truth is I think prisons are a social shame – and that we as a civilised country ought to be able to embrace and rehabilitate people who fall into difficulty within the larger community and that only very dangerous psychopathic people should be locked up.

If it tastes good - eat it !

I don't normally hop out of bed at 2 AM to post a book review but I must insist that you log on and purchase Wetlands by Charlotte Roche . Its the most hilarious story about a girl having an anal operation and she's the most candid and viseral female character I ever read up on. Obsessed with bodily functions she sniffs, licks and picks her way around every orifice. The best book I have read this year (actually the 1st but whatever) - this novel should be studied for GCSE if only to help dispell young womens self loathing compulsion for sexual hygiene.

Just remember that death is not the end

Lux Interior of The Cramps died last night – which is really sad because every time an interesting man dies another ten bores from hell are sent to replace him. He was married to style icon Poison Ivy for an amazing 37 years and while I disapprove of all institutions I am touched when two perverts find a lifetime of entertainment together.