History of The World

The Romans did not build great civilisations by having meetings, they did it by killing everyone who stood in their way.

Gifted and talented

I am the excited owner of a staple gun (did anyone see The Wrestler?) I have been reupholstering chairs in Toile De Jouy. I started with the simple project of covering the chairs in my dining zone. One corner of my living space now resembles Petit Trianon I think I have shown real promise and shall be moving on to the moth eaten sofa tomorrow.

Such a comfort

My mother just told me two things ‘you are never happy unless you have something to worry about’ and ‘smarten yourself up’. Nothing unusual about mothers making tactless and irritating comments except this, mine died in 1986. If you feel the need to be criticised by the immortal nit picking undead then head to The Spiritualist Church, 13 Pembridge Place W2 Wednesdays at 7.30. The whole experience was quite traumatising, I had to run home fast to press icecubes against my heart lest it defrosted entirely but I will be going back next week to see if she gives me the lottery numbers (dressed smart!)

Oh Lord can you see, by the dawns early light ..

In NYC no one cooks anything at home ever, I once shocked a friend I was staying with by asking if he had coffee ‘Oh no ‘ he admonished ‘ I never cook!’ . He proudly whizzed open a kitchen draw which instead of being full of the usual array of deadly kitchen paraphernalia was stuffed with take away menus. It was an excellent system – you just pick up the phone, order dinner and a Mexican kid shows up with it 20 minutes later. Food is inexpensive – delivery is free – which means you can afford to give a substantial tip to aforementioned Mexican in an attempt to offset your own discomfort regarding the endemic racism of North America. I just made a vegetarian Shepherds Pie – which confirmed to me that I never want to cook again - I f**king hate it , carrying the stuff home was exhausting, then I had to do everything – touching the vegetables makes my fingers feel all crinkly – loads of washing up , nearly got burnt , major cleaning operation afterwards - hideous!

And the ones that mother gives you ......

Age ten, I took my first over dose when my mum told me she was getting married (THE NEXT DAY) and that we would be leaving my grandparents house where we lived to share a new rented house in a couple of miles away with Jimmy! He was a dark haired man she had been seeing for a couple of months. Occasionally he brought me gifts that I stamped on - I imagine the happy couple suspected news of their union would not be well received, hence the delay with my invitation.
My overdose consisted of a topiary of the contents of my grandparents medicine cupboard. I guess I swallowed a heady concoction of paracetamol, blood pressure pills and Haliborange washed down with Buttercup Syrup. My whole family stayed up late to await relatives arriving from the South. I passed out and unconcerned they put me to bed.
The next morning I awoke to discover that heaven looked very much the same as my tiny purple wallpapered box room. Gordon the goldfish rolled his eyes at me. I came fast to the conclusion that I had been defeated rather than saved. My mum had hung a new dress on my wardrobe - it was blue and white and it had a fabric belt - plain on one side, printed on the other. Later as she helped me put it on she explained that it was 'reversible'.

I am here

My favourite thing about leaving London is returning to it. I went away for the weekend and I was in this beautiful house all on my own and it was blissful and perfect. I lasted 27 hours.

I like it rough

At the very edge of England, in the dark of night, I made a list of all I desire; tore it into tiny pieces and let the waves carry it back to the one I will return to. I feel so full of life when I stand by the ocean at night, I feel that I can have everything, be anything, do anything I ever wanted to do and yet at the same time there is the part of me that just wants to walk right in like Reginald Perrin.