If I should die before I wake ..........

I suffer occasionally from night terrors and sleep paralysis. It started when I was young and has recurred with decreasing regularity (thank god) ever since. When it happens I awake in the night paralysed with a real sense of a disturbing presence in the room. I have had the sensation of being squashed and even pulled out of bed and across the floor. It used to frighten me a lot and now it just frightens me a bit. Many cultures believe that night paralysis is an indication of a demonic visitation, in this country it is a condition attributed to stress (ironically few things in life are as stressful as a demonic visitation). Of course it is possible to die during sleep and I once read that Nightmare On Elm Street was based around the condition. Terribly comforting.

If it hurts its not love

I Am Love : fucking dreary film mostly shot in the dark. Tilda Swinton has affair with chef who turns out to be remarkable hairdresser. Tragedy disproportionate to indescretion occurs.

Blessed is she among women

Lourdes : crippled girl goes to Lourdes, gets cured & has a shag.

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

And winter, slumbering in the open air, Wears on his smiling face a dream of Spring
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Might have guessed

It was a full moon last night no wonder I was restless and full of tricks all night long. The Pagans call the February moon the Snow Moon. February is the only calender month that can pass without a full moon. If I hadn't been up all night I would try and explain that mathematical fact. However the full moon nights are the best nights to pull earthly desires from the hands of fate. Once the moon begins to wane focus on pushing away what you don't want.

Eyes wide shut

Its official, I am an insomniac .....hideous extra hours of undiluted reality.

To abstinent friends

Let us put our regrets to bed now and wake up innocent and free on the morning of the new year.

"With a little time, and a little more insight, we begin to see both ourselves and our enemies in humbler profiles. We are not really as innocent as we felt when we were first hurt. And we do not usually have a gigantic monster to forgive; we have a weak, needy, and somewhat stupid human being. When you see your enemy and yourself in the weakness and silliness of the humanity you share, you will make the miracle of forgiving a little easier."
Lewis B. Smedes

Perchance to dream

Sleep is my favourite thing of all; I am yet to have a waking experience that compares to the blissful absent abandon of sleep. Staying asleep is no problem for me but falling asleep is another matter. Last night exhausted I hopped into bed, pulled down my sleep mask and...............buzz -buzz, busy, pointless, repetitive thoughts started to tap on my mind. I tried to chloroform myself with lavender oil on a Liberty handkerchief to no avail. Eventually I had to take a Melatonin which is a herbal (well its legal in 34 states) sleeping med that I always request when friends are visiting America. The pill is supposed to activate a dream hormone that gets you off to sleep and it does definitely work for me. I dreamt about my friend’s boyfriend who is so lack lustre I don’t even consider her to be a friend anymore. I intend to learn how to have extraordinary magical dreams – Karl Lagerfeld says he has dreamt up entire collections while he slept! I want to tap into my inner creative spirit effortlessly and at least wake up with this weeks lottery draw embeded in my conscious mind.

Bedtime stories

Toile de Jouy is a wonderfully intricate fabric print often consisting of pink rural themed illustrations on a base of white or creamy fabric. Originally created and used to make casual dresses for Marie Antoinette to kick about in at Le Petit Trianon a chateau in the grounds of the Palace Versailles. LPT was originally commissioned by Louis XV for his mistress Madame de Pompadour. It was in fact Madame du Barry a subsequent mistress of the amorous sun king who lived there in the end. When the King died and she was sent off to repent (for his sins!) at the local convent. Louis XVI became King of France and gave it to his wife Marie Antoinette so she would have a little holiday home to hang out in away from the formality of Versailles. Two more facts, I sleep on the toile de jouy bed linen from Liberty and Peter Saville and Julie Verhoeven created a beautiful kinky sex version of the traditional French print entitled Forget-me-not

Peace, peace she is not dead

She doth not sleep, she hath awakened from the dream of life... Oh yes, no matter how wonderful a day I have had the best bit of any twenty four stretch will be the eight hours or so I slept through. The only man I have ever taken to court (OK a Westminster City Hall Tribunal) is the idiot who runs the chicken shop across the road from my building – his crime – keeping me awake at 4 in the morning serving filthy tortured foul carcass to people too drunk to know what they are eating. I couldn’t sleep the other night largely due to him, though he does have to close at 3 now thanks to me. I don’t know what happens to me in the middle of the night – an abyss of despair washes in around my tangled sheets – life becomes a fast moving train to hell I want to jump off – my outlook is black and blackens further with every hour – I hate it. I live on Cinderella time I have to be asleep by midnight or the next day is a right off.