Thursday, 31 December 2009

Why not ask for more?

Tonight is a blue moon; the 2nd full moon of the calendar month, rare in that it occurs only once every 2.5 years. The blue moon is also called the goal moon as it is the most powerful time in the lunar calendar for the setting of goals. The fact that tonight's blue moon falls on New Years Eve and the last day of the decade makes it even more special.

Effectively the universe has sent us a blank cheque.

Happy New Year

Monday, 21 December 2009

It's NOT a wonderful life

A friend and I just defined christmas spirit as a 'feeling of lack around things you never even wanted in the first place'.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

A prayer for the dark side

Tonight let your powers of new beginnings,
Wash away the follies of last cycle.
Seep away my weariness and sorrows.
Fill me to the brim with strength and hope,
Replace faded dreams with new,
And give me the endurance to carry on.

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

And winter, slumbering in the open air, Wears on his smiling face a dream of Spring
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Sunday, 13 December 2009

You only see what your eyes want to see

I absolutely love Botox.

A job is for christmas - not for life

God I am so ashamed – I have only made 2 entries on my blog in as many months. I have been busy working and not only does that leave me with very little spare time but the whole experience is so totally fucking soul destroying I can’t bear to speak to anyone for the duration. So far this semester I have had one student tell me ‘he doesn’t rate me’ another kick over a chair with rage when he received his grades and some self righteous twat complain that I made a sarcastic comment in my evaluation of her proposal ! I receive daily emails from students ‘Yo Miss – why did I fail my assessment?’ Not once I have a written back ‘Because you are a fucking moron’ I am doing my best to keep it together but I am starting to feel like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

Thursday, 3 December 2009


You maybe only one person, but your positive thoughts and feelings can radiate out and touch 100,000 others.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

What a difference a gay makes

Tomorrow I am presenting a lecture on the benefits of ‘diversity’ in the workplace. It’s fair to suggest I struggle to maintain an academic façade. I feel like Anne Boleyn haunting Hampton Court when I walk the corridors of the second rate educational establishment I am working for at the moment. This morning I selected the students I will be personally tutoring on looks alone. ’ I simply can’t work with ugly people’, I trilled as I examined the images on the application packs.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

History of The World

The Romans did not build great civilisations by having meetings, they did it by killing everyone who stood in their way.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Gifted and talented

I am the excited owner of a staple gun (did anyone see The Wrestler?) I have been reupholstering chairs in Toile De Jouy. I started with the simple project of covering the chairs in my dining zone. One corner of my living space now resembles Petit Trianon I think I have shown real promise and shall be moving on to the moth eaten sofa tomorrow.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Such a comfort

My mother just told me two things ‘you are never happy unless you have something to worry about’ and ‘smarten yourself up’. Nothing unusual about mothers making tactless and irritating comments except this, mine died in 1986. If you feel the need to be criticised by the immortal nit picking undead then head to The Spiritualist Church, 13 Pembridge Place W2 Wednesdays at 7.30. The whole experience was quite traumatising, I had to run home fast to press icecubes against my heart lest it defrosted entirely but I will be going back next week to see if she gives me the lottery numbers (dressed smart!)

Oh Lord can you see, by the dawns early light ..

In NYC no one cooks anything at home ever, I once shocked a friend I was staying with by asking if he had coffee ‘Oh no ‘ he admonished ‘ I never cook!’ . He proudly whizzed open a kitchen draw which instead of being full of the usual array of deadly kitchen paraphernalia was stuffed with take away menus. It was an excellent system – you just pick up the phone, order dinner and a Mexican kid shows up with it 20 minutes later. Food is inexpensive – delivery is free – which means you can afford to give a substantial tip to aforementioned Mexican in an attempt to offset your own discomfort regarding the endemic racism of North America. I just made a vegetarian Shepherds Pie – which confirmed to me that I never want to cook again - I f**king hate it , carrying the stuff home was exhausting, then I had to do everything – touching the vegetables makes my fingers feel all crinkly – loads of washing up , nearly got burnt , major cleaning operation afterwards - hideous!

Monday, 28 September 2009

The oldest trick in the book

One evening in Soho I was hanging out with this man I should have avoided like the plague. He suggested that we go to a brothel together. ‘To do what, exactly?’ I asked. All manner of scenarios ran though my mind none of which I liked the look of. He made no reply and instead ushered me towards Berwick Street. I was secretly panicking, firstly because I couldn’t remember what underwear I had on and secondly as a vegetarian I am not a fan of exploitative relationships. My companion, however loved hookers, he was constantly bragging to anyone who would listen about how many he had slept with. He insisted on giving me money if I slept with him – I took it to keep him happy the first time but after that depressing experience I insisted upon it. He was a silly old fool, but not unkind and god knows he was quick. We turned down a piss soaked alleyway off the market; strangely no red light was apparent at the blackened windows above. I silently berated myself for being incapable of forming the word ‘no’. We finally got to the door way and there on the security gate hung a handwritten sign ‘CLOSED DUE TO LEAK’ I practically clapped with delight.
Anyway today I got an email from a friend who is campaigning against a government bill proposing to make paying for sex illegal. He asked me to sign an online petition and I declined because I never met a prostitute who operated within the law and I certainly don’t give a toss about punters rights. Anyway most of them are so gross they should be prosecuted for crimes of an aesthetic nature. Friend became ‘beyond human aid’ with indignation, cancelled our date for this evening and took to his bed. I did eventually back down and sign just to keep him happy.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

And the ones that mother gives you ......

Age ten, I took my first over dose when my mum told me she was getting married (THE NEXT DAY) and that we would be leaving my grandparents house where we lived to share a new rented house in a couple of miles away with Jimmy! He was a dark haired man she had been seeing for a couple of months. Occasionally he brought me gifts that I stamped on - I imagine the happy couple suspected news of their union would not be well received, hence the delay with my invitation.
My overdose consisted of a topiary of the contents of my grandparents medicine cupboard. I guess I swallowed a heady concoction of paracetamol, blood pressure pills and Haliborange washed down with Buttercup Syrup. My whole family stayed up late to await relatives arriving from the South. I passed out and unconcerned they put me to bed.
The next morning I awoke to discover that heaven looked very much the same as my tiny purple wallpapered box room. Gordon the goldfish rolled his eyes at me. I came fast to the conclusion that I had been defeated rather than saved. My mum had hung a new dress on my wardrobe - it was blue and white and it had a fabric belt - plain on one side, printed on the other. Later as she helped me put it on she explained that it was 'reversible'.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

I am here

My favourite thing about leaving London is returning to it. I went away for the weekend and I was in this beautiful house all on my own and it was blissful and perfect. I lasted 27 hours.

I like it rough

At the very edge of England, in the dark of night, I made a list of all I desire; tore it into tiny pieces and let the waves carry it back to the one I will return to. I feel so full of life when I stand by the ocean at night, I feel that I can have everything, be anything, do anything I ever wanted to do and yet at the same time there is the part of me that just wants to walk right in like Reginald Perrin.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Deal or no Deal

One night on the Kent coast I stood under the night sky and stared out over the black sea. A layer of mist separated the upper darkness from the lower darkness. I realised in that moment I was both insignificant and omnipotent and equally as damned as I am blessed.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

What goes round - comes round

I have been told that if people really piss you off you should pray for them – like pray they get hit by a bus and die squished on the road in agony? Apparently not! We should send loving thoughts to the bastards and wish for them what we would want for ourselves.
Dear God
Please send that annoying c--t a bottle of perfume from Liberty, Prada thigh boots and a long weekend in The New York Standard Hotel. Thanks awfully.

Friday, 11 September 2009

I love my job

I walked my ancient ram shackled Chihuahua through St James Park just now. She still has it going on in her own way. All the super furry and feathery animals of the park have their own ‘ho stroll’ along the pathway that leads around the lake. They hustle the tourists for nuts and bread. My own dog likes to work the picnickers – she cuts a cute dash over to them and then as they reach for their cameras she heads for the hills. Most of them clue on pretty quick that she aint doing nothing for nothing. If she had a phone box card it would say ‘will pose for ham’ .

Hope springs eternal

'I'm completely optimistic - I know the end is coming! '

Lydia Lunch

For love and money

'Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.'

Andy Warhol

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Degrees of separation

Excellent news! Yesterday over tea and scones at Yauatcha Soho I discovered that there is only four tiny degrees of separation between Eric Northman and I. Having worked wonders with far worse odds I am obviously thrilled. It turns out that the man I was having tea with is a very good friend of the actor Stephen Moyer who plays Bill in the True Blood series. My friend kindly offered to get me a signed photo – it was one of those moments when I thought ‘do you know me at all?’

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Goodbye to love

A friend just emailed to ask what was my favourite ‘rock death’, he is thrilled that the enquiry into the ‘drowning’ of Brian Jones is likely to be reopened. In answer to the question, my favourite rock death is the suicide of Andrea Feldman a Warhol superstar. According to Bob Colacello ‘Andrea had first come to the attention of the Factory in 1967, in the back room of Max's Kansas City, by sitting on a coke bottle and belting out Everything's Coming up Roses. She called her act a porno parody of Ethel Mermans 'Showtime'.... Her exhibitionism was extreme, even by Superstar standards...’ On the 8th of August 1972 Andrea summoned a number of X boyfriends including the writer Jim Carroll to meet her at the entrance to her 5th Avenue apartment. Clutching a rosary and a coke she jumped to her death in front of them all. If ever a gesture said 'fuck you' I think that was it.

Don't give up your day job

Tomorrow at 9am I am starting to write my first book. According to my new mentor, the accomplished author Cousin Annie, the only day to start a new book is a Monday. Books started on any other days of the week are unlikely to be completed and even if they were finished, unlikely to be optioned. I have been working on my notes for at least three years; well actually they have been under the bed maturing for at least that long. I have had one or two false starts with this project, fear of paper, fear of failure, fear of litigation, fear of success but really the truth is I am an ace procrastinator. I sit down to write and before I know it I am cleaning the skirting boards and believe me I am not on the good housekeeper of the year shortlist. Still, it was encouraging to discover this quotation by Oscar Wilde ‘Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.’

And so you're back

I am really excited my favourite model Irina is back from an extended vacation YES YES YES and is rumoured to be expected at the 'go sees' for the up coming New York fashion week.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Fuzzy logic

I am lying in bed trying to figure out whether sipping Diet Coke whilst eating Snickers somehow offsets the calories. I think it probably does.

Our lady of the lost causes

I ran into one of my more intense friends yesterday day; 'What are you up to then?' I said feigning interest. 'I am a starving artist' he replied importantly. Hardly concealing a sneer I retorted, 'Really - did Jean Genet claim housing benefit then?'

Saturday, 8 August 2009

The art of letting someone have your way

I went to the hairdressers the other day for a ‘trim’ – my hair was extra frizzy thanks to the Great British Summer. I was introduced to a junior stylist (trying to save money - big mistake) straight out of the Henry Kissinger School of Diplomacy who attempted to run his fingers through my matted locks and said with open disdain, ‘What makes you think you just need a trim?’. Holding the last four (ok eight) inches of my hair between his finger and thumb he announced, ‘ This hair is all dead ‘ like the stuff closer to my skull wasn’t? I had the dog on my lap who was getting agitated re the hostile atmosphere – I tried to tell him that although I understood that the condition of my hair was less than optimum. For example, I were Rapunzel and you were the Prince - you would definatley be lying on Charing Cross Road with a broken back writhing in agony etc. But you know it’s my hair and I like it long so I am just going to have a trim – all assertive like.
’What kind of trim?’ he says ‘One where I leave the salon with almost as much hair as I came in with’ The dog was getting stressed ‘Does that dog bite?’ Of the two of us Chilli the Chihuahua was the least likely to cause him harm at this point. I really wanted to rip off my client cloak like Zorro and run out of the salon with wet hair but instead I said ‘I am struggling to communicate with you, I don’t know how to explain why I only want a trim or what a trim is’. He disappeared and his boss came over instead. He was nice to me – he was nice to my dog – he cut the most straggly bits of my hair off and left me with plenty to take home and he did it all with out insulting me once.

And assuming you have one - your point is?

I once had a boyfriend before I decided to never have a boyfriend again, who said to me as I was whining about who knows what ‘for someone who never had anything – you are incredibly spoilt’. It’s true as well, my rags to rags story began in a catholic home for wayward girls, led me through Lancashire council estates and seedy bedsits in scary parts of towns. Things were tough and I did everything within my power to make them worse. Despite all this the larger part of me always loved beautiful things, like perfumes, art, books and above all fine French patisserie. Today I bought 8 mini macaroons from Laduree in the following flavours, rose, salted caramel, violet, bergamot, red fruit, raspberry, lemon and coconut. It reminds me of one time when I was drinking Cadillac Margaritas in a Rodeo Drive restaurant with a friend I went to college with in Preston – he slammed back his shot of brandy and said ‘turned out nice again, ant it!’

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

You're going to feel a little pin prick

Oh God - I just remembered I have to have a blood test first thing in the morning. Despite everything I say about loving Eric I am a squeamish vegetarian and I hate them. I have fainted so many times whilst having it done; once I collapsed onto the needle and it bent in my arm – Yuk & Fuck! Another time I passed out and the barrel of the syringe burst – I woke up covered in blood with a horrified nurse staring at me – I didn’t know where I was and I thought I must have been hit by a car or something. I’ll try and talk them into giving me a pre – med before the procedure – smaller needle followed by cold hand of death oblivion – much prefer that!

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

L'amour fou

Though common sense fails– Eugenics prevail.

But I break just like a little girl

I am not crazy about the chocolates from La Maison Du Chocolat on Piccadilly. One time I was working for this millionaire guy and he was away for Christmas when a friend of his sent about 3 kilos of LMDC goodies to his Eaton Square home. I didn’t think twice about liberating them and splitting them with the housekeeper. (I am a socialist thief ) Anyway he wouldn’t have liked them and his anorexic girlfriend would have gone into cardiac arrest at the site of such sin. So the point is: I ate a kilo of these chocolates straight down and I didn’t like them all that much! They have that very strong powdery flavour – they are, I suggest, a gentleman’s chocolate rather than say a pink champagne truffle which is a superior treat and a woman’s choc of choice. However I am not one to bare a grudge so I did pop into the shop the other day for a look around and found salted caramel ice cream – very impressive and an affordable indulgence (I do pay sometimes) at £3.95 for a tiny tub.

Freedom's just another word for nothing else to do

I am writing from my new Blackberry -a totally exciting concept of Lilliputian proportions!
I choose my new device largely because I loath i-phones with their creepy slidey action and pathetic 'apps'. My friend says I just wanted one so I would look like I have a job - which as of yesterday I don't. From today I am footloose which would be great if unemployment benefit was well paid. However it is not, so I have been updating my CV - the effectiveness of which is largely due to work experience I leave off!

Saturday, 1 August 2009

I thought it was silent until it went silent

I don't normally like to go to the theatre; its all a bit close for comfort for my liking. However, I did go to the Young Vic to see 4.48 Psychosis. The performance centres around the dialog of a woman having a nervous breakdown and from what I can remember it sounded pretty accurate to me.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

It's raining in my heart

If it had been made clear that Global Warming actually meant we would get more rain, I would have stopped using aerosols ages ago.

Let them eat cake

Had tea at Laduree this afternoon (press the link the music on the website is fantastic). I had the speciality tea which was divine and a L'Isphahan cake. Rose macaroon biscuit, rose cream filling mixed with lychee and raspberry fruit topped with a rose petal. Not too shabby at all! The branch at Harrods is fantastic - not a single car parked outside is worth less than £100,000.00 the overall ambience is downtown Beruit.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Reality doesn't bite

I am pathetic – I love Eric so much I actually blush when I see his picture - he is my new screen saver. I watched a clip of him on You Tube and he was wearing sports wear and he still looked divine. I guess this means in real life he is gay. That’s the Real Life V Fantasy deal though – fantasy amazing – real life dull – do you think if you had the most amazing life full of money, travel , nice clothes and sexy vampires you would fantasise about being bored sick?

A little of what you fancy

Finally had a day off work – spent the morning in Maison Berteaux which I love - Claridge’s prices – soup kitchen service but really good cheese croissants and cakes and the most eccentric staff of any cafe anywhere. Michelle was in today ‘back from the dead’ her words not mine. Over the years greetings have included ‘ I saw your boyfriend on the 19 bus he was going to meet his girlfriend’ and ‘Do you do any exercise?’ They also have an interesting pricing system – I have never paid the same money for the same item twice, I think fish restaurants do a similar thing ‘prices reflect the market’ they call it. The cream slice commodity market seems to be in constant flux. We ordered a croissant and pot of Earl Grey ‘ in your own time’ we laughed hysterically.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

The only illness is mental illness

Just wandered home through Soho on a rainy Thursday evening – having wasted £30 on a massage that really hurt and even more money on revolting health food from the shop next door. Perhaps I am not depressed – I may have a wheat allergy. The truth is I have an allergic reaction to mediocrity that no amount of tofu is going to cure. Why would you call a massage shop Relax anyway? – nothing annoys me more than the non sexual touch of strangers . I only went there because I hurt - I am miserable, exhausted, unappreciated and generally over it and somehow the unhappy state of my life manifests itself in my left shoulder, in pain.

I looked up sadness on Google just now ‘Sadness is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic, and withdrawn’ so it’s official I am sad. Further research led me to some power ballads on You Tube (I’ll spare you the link) and an interesting article published in The Times discussing how medics have pathologised sadness replacing the s with m and have set about ridding the Western world of the joys of melancholia by recklessly prescribing SSRI’s anti depressants the minute we stop laughing. Thank God for that then - I hope I haven’t thrown them away!

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before ...

Follow this link to take the test ; Who knew that planning expensive holidays you can't afford is a sign of bipolar disorder? I am silenced.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Two desperate people clinging together and they call it love

Just got the most sickening email from Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP site explaining how to nurture romantic relationships and make them last - full of hideous poetry and smarmy advice ; I unsubscribed immediately.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Just relapse

Just relapse, just go to sleep. Dash Snow 1981 - 2009

How did this happen?

I am drinking chocolate milkshake late at night – with no hope of burning off any of the calories – even briskest walk to my bedroom won’t make a dent in them. I am attempting to create a sugar high so that I can put the finishing touches to a power point - working title ‘Motivation at Work & Other Anomalies.’ I have no idea how I got myself into this situation, I feel like Virginia Woolf in The Hours ‘I am living a life I don’t want to live in a place where I don’t want to live it..............’

Saturday, 11 July 2009

I wanna do bad things to you

Sorry I have been all quiet an all but I fell in love with a vampire called Eric Northman. He is a 1000 year old former Viking though he doesn’t look a day over 40 to me. The opening credits of HBO hot series True Blood were enough to get me hooked. The hotter vampires prefer to drink blood from the Femoral Artery and if you don't know where that is - you really should take more drugs! It launches in the UK on FX channel and is freely available to any one with scant disregard for the $1.900.000 fine recently imposed on a ‘file sharer’. They can’t take what you don’t got .......

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live.- Mark Twain

I have a bike – I got it so I can ferry my ancient Chihuahua to the park and back as her rickety short legs seem to struggle these days. So far the furthest we have ventured is to The Chocolate Society in Elizabeth Street. Other than that we have just been practicing on the cycle path beside Green Park. We are really wobbly – I nearly knocked off someone’s wing mirror on Eaton Square earlier, I am sure it would have popped back into place but we decided to leave the seen of the crime sharpish just in case.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Thursday, 16 April 2009

She wore blue velvet

Feel like Frank Booth in Blue Velvet – marking papers again, which makes me realise two things 1. I hate stupid people & 2. I am just this side of psychotic.
Now take a big hit of tippex and start cursing.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Better late than never

I just saw A Street Car Named Desire for the first time – I don’t know why but I found watching the disintegration of an aging fantasist quite disturbing. Brando was great though – again not some one I ever took much notice of previously – I watched the butter scene in Last Tango In Paris – but he was past prime in that movie so I kind of missed the point - till tonight.

Monday, 6 April 2009

I put a spell on you

Just listening to Marilyn Manson 'I put a spell on you' and I remembered this story. Once upon a time long ago - I awoke in a big cold house in the country and it was full of people who were ugly and dull ..........except for one man who was beautiful - his name was Tony - he wore vintage levis and coral coloured cashmere jumpers. I decided as soon as I saw him that I loved him and that I needed him to love me back. I had heard of the following spell - that if you want someone to love you (or at least fuck you ) then what you have to do is masturbate while thinking of them and somehow get the sticky stuff from your fingers into their mouth! Luckily enough in the big house where we were all staying - every body had been given a cup of there own and each cup had the name of its owner painted on it in red nail varnish. So I took my sticky fingers to the kitchen and smeared my spell around the inside of his cup. Shortly after my spell casting - he gave me a cigarette and we began a short affair. The thing is I forgot to ask him if he fell for me before or after the tea break.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Once more with feeling

I am starting a new diet, vitamin b12 and green powdered stuff shakes from Wholefoods. Solid food is just a trigger for me, once I start I just can't stop.