The art of letting someone have your way

I went to the hairdressers the other day for a ‘trim’ – my hair was extra frizzy thanks to the Great British Summer. I was introduced to a junior stylist (trying to save money - big mistake) straight out of the Henry Kissinger School of Diplomacy who attempted to run his fingers through my matted locks and said with open disdain, ‘What makes you think you just need a trim?’. Holding the last four (ok eight) inches of my hair between his finger and thumb he announced, ‘ This hair is all dead ‘ like the stuff closer to my skull wasn’t? I had the dog on my lap who was getting agitated re the hostile atmosphere – I tried to tell him that although I understood that the condition of my hair was less than optimum. For example, I were Rapunzel and you were the Prince - you would definatley be lying on Charing Cross Road with a broken back writhing in agony etc. But you know it’s my hair and I like it long so I am just going to have a trim – all assertive like.
’What kind of trim?’ he says ‘One where I leave the salon with almost as much hair as I came in with’ The dog was getting stressed ‘Does that dog bite?’ Of the two of us Chilli the Chihuahua was the least likely to cause him harm at this point. I really wanted to rip off my client cloak like Zorro and run out of the salon with wet hair but instead I said ‘I am struggling to communicate with you, I don’t know how to explain why I only want a trim or what a trim is’. He disappeared and his boss came over instead. He was nice to me – he was nice to my dog – he cut the most straggly bits of my hair off and left me with plenty to take home and he did it all with out insulting me once.

Come on over to my place

This picture is the cover of the Playboy magazine published the month and year of my birth. God I hope the print is too small for the date to be read. They did actually have photography then but for some reason this cover is a painting. I love porn mags - not for the dodgy centrefolds but for their stand alone immorality and the flack the publishers took in regards to the censorship laws of the sixties which benefitted us all. I hate nudity personally – I think the human body is always a disappointment, even my precious Keanu goes to fat in between movies! I do love to watch Girls of the Playboy Mansion on Sunday nights. My favourite girl is Holly because she is desperately ambitious and has a dog that looks just like mine. I heard the following gossip from a freind in LA, Hef is a total pill head, yes they do all have to fuck him and one time they all got ass tightening ops for xmas! Its a strange set up that they have in the mansion but I think it will turn out like this in the end: Holly will marry Hef who will have a cast iron pre nup entitling her to around $50 when it goes tits up which it will in less than a year. All the girls will be thrown out during the drama and replaced by younger blonds. Bridget will have a successful TV and radio career and Kendra will be back on a street corner or earning dimes filming hardcore.

Dangerous Liaisons

Saw this wonderful film on DVD the other day – the male lead character says of his young lover ‘ I have taught her to perform naturally services one would hesitate to ask of a professional ‘

More dash than cash

I did a really bad thing – it was so bad I may well do it again. I purchased a dress to attend a wedding then I wore it extremely carefully to the event (if you can call it that) and this morning I sniffed it, pressed it, wrapped it and took it back! What a buzz! And although I feel bad – I feel much better than I did when I had an expensive dress that I didn’t want & couldn’t afford in my wardrobe and a couple of hundred quid missing from my account. I am not suggesting that we all make a habit of this; however, if you are tempted it is important to follow a few rules. Do not ‘borrow’ anything you cannot afford to buy. Don’t risk your rent to have some idiot pour red wine over a cream Chanel Jackie O suit. For best results, no smoking, drinking or eating, during your loan - wear perfume on your hair and ankles only. Give pale items a complete miss. If it helps with the guilt, know this – department stores let celebrities, photographers, stylists and magazines take items to wear for functions and shoots and then they put back the price tags and hang them out on the shop floor often with out so much as a dry clean. It’s how they treat us so why wouldn’t it be how we treat them?

The second oldest profession

A waitress came over to our table in a Japanese cafe in Portobello, she lent in all sideways eyes and said “see that guy over there - he’s Richards Branson’s son and his card didn’t go through!” Yesterday a friend sat by Manson in the Admirals Lounge at LAX, he asked the waitress what he ordered and she told him “two shots of vodka and diet coke on the side.” Perhaps the food and beverage department should look into a Hippocratic oath type system for waiting and bar staff or maybe we should all just big up the tips.